i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
