Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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