A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
