How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
