turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How does one acquire holy water?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
there is glitter all over my balls
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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