Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
