my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
