i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
