Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
