Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
