youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
