I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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