at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
