somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
