Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We are all done wearing pants today
and you fell through a lawn chair
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
