There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
