i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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