Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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