It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
