ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
