Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
