I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
