He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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