the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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