The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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