Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
