everyone is single if you try hard enough
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
