did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
