Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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