Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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