And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
