My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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