so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
