sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
