My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
