hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
