you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
