Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
