Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
