I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
