i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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