i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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