Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm at about main and main street
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
