Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
