My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dick very happy bro
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
