Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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