Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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