Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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