You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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