Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
