How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
