he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
