He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
