She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
