Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
