Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
